Independence and Interdependence: Classic Dilemma of the Mature Single

The Cyber Monday show of Soulmate from Within on BlogTalkRadio tackles this very classic dilemma for mature single people. (You can listen to the show here. It will open in a new window.)

After living on your own for a number of years, even the idea of bringing a partner into your world can send shivers down a person’s spine. Especially for women, the push-pull conflict of “losing one’s independence” is one that is particularly potent in this era.

The conflict is not exclusive to women. Men often experience confusion over what a woman wants, in this regard: whether being a gentleman will be viewed as offensive or patronizing, or if treating her like “one of the guys” is ruining his chances because he’s not enough of a gentleman for her.
So, is it one or the other and all-or-nothing? Or is it a balance?

Like so many things, each individual needs to look in themselves for their own true answer. What makes this dilemma particularly sticky is that there is so much “story” behind it (You might recognize is as “traditional behavior.), that it can be a challenge to distinguish between what’s your truth, what you’ve deducted from a past painful experience, or what you’ve been trained or conditioned into thinking a “good woman” and a “good man” are in relationship.

In essence, whenever what we say and do is not aligned with what we really feel, we are bound to experience frustration. Every time we hide from ourselves and our true desire and fail to give appropriate voice to that, we add another experience of frustration. As this frustration builds without resolution, it can turn into annoyance or even resentment. If you have ever ended up resenting someone you once loved or getting deeply annoyed with someone despite their caring for you and not ever offending you, then you have experienced what I am talking about.

The common fear of losing one’s independence in a relationship comes from seeing independence as the only way to freedom. And that’s where understanding INTERdependence comes in.

While INdependence is the lack of dependency on another, INTERdependence is the mutual dependence of both parties to each other. It’s not two individuals trying to share one life together, nor is it two halves of a person making one whole person: It is two persons who choose in every moment to create a living that continuously fulfills each person’s life in a way that could not be accomplished individually. This kind of relationship has a positive effect on the two persons in it, as well as on their relationships with others.

However, this kind of creation only happens when both persons actively participate in the relationship. When one person needs to make a decision, s/he considers its effect on the relationship, for the benefit of both persons and the relationship. It is not done out of courtesy or politeness. By the same token, the relationship is not benefited by the constant suppression of one of the person’s desires for the relationship, whether they are choosing not to express themselves or they are being discouraged from doing so.
Whether you fear losing independence in a future relationship or find yourself “getting burned” repeatedly in past relationships, these are fruitful places to begin developing your awareness of yourself and your ideas about dependency and interdependency with other people. In the same way, if you’re currently in a relationship and you’ve got this one-sided dynamic (or a tendency toward it) and it’s not doing much for you, it is your awareness that begins to change the dynamic gently, from the inside.
I’d love to hear if this is something that you can relate to and what your experience of the “Independence and Interdependence” internal conflict is for you. Share your comments here.