What's Bothering You?

The first step to making something different is almost always awareness.

So if you're looking to start creating a different love life next year - or today! - then consider what's bothered you about love so far.

Be honest and brutal.

"Now what?" you ask?

Well, you're on your way to setting the intention for different results. Here are all 3 steps:

1. Awareness
2. Ownership
3. Desire

 The rest simply unfolds. (A very enjoyable process if you want it to be.)

More details below in my recent show on awareness and intention-setting, called "What's Bothering You?" I'll be talking about the other two steps in the next two shows, but I'd love to hear your questions and comments in the meantime!

Independence and Interdependence: Please comment!

Thanks to the caller who called in to yesterday’s show on “Independence and Interdependence”. (To hear the show from Cyber Monday, click here.) Apologies that I forgot to ask you your name! In this post, I’ll have to call you the "Cyber Monday Caller."

 

The Cyber Monday Caller has experienced that women don’t want the responsibility of making decisions, and asked what the statistics were (or what I thought they would be) around the percentage of women who feel they have or are subjecting themselves to their men’s whims and don’t feel it necessary to change anything, and they’ll continue to complain about it to their friends, behind their partner’s back. Hmmm…

 

I’ll be honest - I don’t know what the statistics are, and I didn’t feel it was my place to do the speculation. But I’ll be keeping an eye open for some supporting stats for this now. (When I find something, I’ll post it here.) Is it really a “big hullaballoo about nothing,” as the Cyber Monday Caller says? (If you're listening to the show archive, it comes up around minute 35:00.)

 

If you listen to the show, you’ll hear the Cyber Monday Caller speculate that 90% of women would keep this dynamic as it is: “So what makes you say this like it’s a major problem?” he asks. I personally think the percentage is much, much less, and the number of women I’ve encountered in my experience who would like to assert themselves with better effect in relationships of all kinds is closer to the reverse.

So, fellow Soulmates, here’s your chance to tell me (AND The Cyber Monday Caller):

• Have you ever given over decision-making power to a partner when you’ve been in a relationship?
• Was it a good or bad experience for you? What did you learn from the experience?
• How many of you feel that the giving over of decision-making power to one’s partner is a common relationship problem - or not?

I’m looking forward to lots of your comments & thoughts. Enter your comments below.

Independence and Interdependence: Classic Dilemma of the Mature Single

The Cyber Monday show of Soulmate from Within on BlogTalkRadio tackles this very classic dilemma for mature single people. (You can listen to the show here. It will open in a new window.)

After living on your own for a number of years, even the idea of bringing a partner into your world can send shivers down a person’s spine. Especially for women, the push-pull conflict of “losing one’s independence” is one that is particularly potent in this era.

The conflict is not exclusive to women. Men often experience confusion over what a woman wants, in this regard: whether being a gentleman will be viewed as offensive or patronizing, or if treating her like “one of the guys” is ruining his chances because he’s not enough of a gentleman for her.
So, is it one or the other and all-or-nothing? Or is it a balance?

Like so many things, each individual needs to look in themselves for their own true answer. What makes this dilemma particularly sticky is that there is so much “story” behind it (You might recognize is as “traditional behavior.), that it can be a challenge to distinguish between what’s your truth, what you’ve deducted from a past painful experience, or what you’ve been trained or conditioned into thinking a “good woman” and a “good man” are in relationship.

In essence, whenever what we say and do is not aligned with what we really feel, we are bound to experience frustration. Every time we hide from ourselves and our true desire and fail to give appropriate voice to that, we add another experience of frustration. As this frustration builds without resolution, it can turn into annoyance or even resentment. If you have ever ended up resenting someone you once loved or getting deeply annoyed with someone despite their caring for you and not ever offending you, then you have experienced what I am talking about.

The common fear of losing one’s independence in a relationship comes from seeing independence as the only way to freedom. And that’s where understanding INTERdependence comes in.

While INdependence is the lack of dependency on another, INTERdependence is the mutual dependence of both parties to each other. It’s not two individuals trying to share one life together, nor is it two halves of a person making one whole person: It is two persons who choose in every moment to create a living that continuously fulfills each person’s life in a way that could not be accomplished individually. This kind of relationship has a positive effect on the two persons in it, as well as on their relationships with others.

However, this kind of creation only happens when both persons actively participate in the relationship. When one person needs to make a decision, s/he considers its effect on the relationship, for the benefit of both persons and the relationship. It is not done out of courtesy or politeness. By the same token, the relationship is not benefited by the constant suppression of one of the person’s desires for the relationship, whether they are choosing not to express themselves or they are being discouraged from doing so.
Whether you fear losing independence in a future relationship or find yourself “getting burned” repeatedly in past relationships, these are fruitful places to begin developing your awareness of yourself and your ideas about dependency and interdependency with other people. In the same way, if you’re currently in a relationship and you’ve got this one-sided dynamic (or a tendency toward it) and it’s not doing much for you, it is your awareness that begins to change the dynamic gently, from the inside.
I’d love to hear if this is something that you can relate to and what your experience of the “Independence and Interdependence” internal conflict is for you. Share your comments here.