Possibility from Within

Valentine's Day for Singles A-ha Moment: "Love Has a Price"

2010-02-11T18:03:00.000-08:00

Click the Play Button to listen through the player. You can read along with me in the transcribed text.

“Love has a price.” Have you ever heard that before? Or maybe you’ve even said something yourself, such as "With love comes trade-offs." Any of those thoughts around “Love has a price” is also saying that love is a commodity. Kind of like you’d go to the store and buy love. So, in this mindset, I have to have $2 to pay for a can of soda, and love works that way too. No moolah, no soda; nothing to trade away, no love. In that thought, that’s how love is “transacted.”

Put in those terms, it makes love sound bleak and cold. Do you believe that love works that way, bleak and cold in a transaction like that? I’m thinking you probably don’t, but if you’ve said that there’s a price for love, then that’s the belief you’re starting with. That’s the belief that your actions are starting with.

If you’ve noticed now that this is your thought and you’d like an alternative around it, well, here’s your alternative.

“Love has a price” is just one thought. There are many thoughts we could have about love. Here’s a suggested thought, if you’d like one to try out for size. It is that love is like currency. But unlike dollars or Euros and pennies and coins in your pocket, love is a limitless currency. Sometimes we ask each other in conversation, if you had all the money in the world, what would you do with it? We answer with things like, give some to charity, buy a boat, buy a giant house.

So consider this as you try the thought “Love is my currency” on for size: If you believed that this was true - that you could never run out of love, that mean people have as much love in them as you do, that love is out there to be freely given and freely received - what would you be doing differently? If you thought your love was a limitless currency, what would you be doing differently?

Why We Don't Say No More Often

2010-01-28T17:52:00.000-08:00

(You can click the "Play" button in the player below to listen to the audio. Or read the transcribed text below the player.)

Have you caught yourself overwhelmed, drained, or feeling more obligated than motivated to help others?

Oftentimes, when we get to this point, we ask ourselves, “How did I ever get to this??”

Just as often, we can trace back our getting to this breaking point to all the people and projects we said “Yes” to, just because we felt we couldn’t say “No.”

Why We Don’t Say “No” More Often

“No” tends to get a bad rap. No one wants to be known as the person who is “uncooperative” or “not a team player” or “asocial,” just because you declined one too many times.

The social stigma around saying “No” is that we’re only using “No,” because there was no alternative to “Yes.” If I could have responded with some words other than “No,” then I would have used them instead. This idea is so ingrained in us that, indeed, this is what we sometimes still try to do. Instead of just saying “No,” and leaving it at that, we feel the necessity to add justification or regret, because we certainly wouldn’t want to seem too happy, smug or secure while declining.

Some examples:

"I can’t – because I’m already committed to something else at that time.”
“No - but I really wanted to.”
“I would - but I’m swamped.”
And the classic: “I’m washing my hair that night.”

But notice how we don't usually feel the need to justify saying “Yes."

The truth of the matter is that one honest “No” is worth more than a thousand fake “Yes’s.”

While we all want to hear “Yes” to every request we make, we also know the deadly aftermath of the “Yes” that never had any commitment behind it – the “Yes” that had been a “No” all along.

Becoming Aware of Present Behaviour

If you’re starting to wonder just why you don’t say “No” more often, consider how you feel today when someone says “No” to one of your requests.

Is “No” uncomfortable for you to hear?
Does “No” feel better when a person provides a reason why not?
Does it somehow feel like a personal rejection, even when you know they’re rejecting the request, not rejecting you?
When a project or request that you know you should decline comes across your desk, do you find yourself putting off having to break the bad news? Do you wait to see if it will blow over?

Is saying “No” easier or more difficult, depending on who’s asking something from you? With family? With business associates?

When you get a request, imagine yourself responding with “No.” Notice your behaviour, your physical reactions, and your emotional reactions in everyday situations where “No” is involved, and you’ll discover some keys to any hangups around rejection.

Rehearsing “No” - An Exercise

Listen to the audio version here, or scroll down for the transcribed text. If you don't have a partner handy, you can use the audio to rehearse by yourself.

All uncomfortable situations become easier to handle as we become practiced in them. Just like rehearsal for a play, we can rehearse hearing and saying “No” in situations that are less significant, so that it’s not as shocking when we have to say “No” in situations where it counts.

Here’s my exercise for rehearsing “No,” and even become more aware of your current reactions to “No.”

Work with a partner or a friend. Remember that the automatic answer to the next ten questions is “No.” You can say “No” in whatever variations you like (i.e.: “Definitely not,” “Certainly not,” etc.), but resist being apologetic and resist justifying your “No.”

Ask your friend the first five questions, and hear them say “No” to you. Then have your friend ask you questions 6-10, and decline all five questions.

Can you spot me $5?
Would you put the dishes away?
Would you take notes for this meeting?
Do you like asparagus?
Would you like to see the dessert menu?
When are you going to lunch?
So can I sign you up for this committee?
What’s the last movie you saw?
Can I count on your vote?
Can I get that by noon?

Note what you did when you heard and said "No." If you're working with a friend, you may be able to share your observations of each other during this exercise.

Feel free to share your experience in the Comments here, or by emailing me at SoulmateFromWithin@gmail.com.

What's Bothering You?

2009-12-11T13:53:00.000-08:00

The first step to making something different is almost always awareness.

So if you're looking to start creating a different love life next year - or today! - then consider what's bothered you about love so far.

Be honest and brutal.

"Now what?" you ask?

Well, you're on your way to setting the intention for different results. Here are all 3 steps:

Awareness
Ownership
Desire

The rest simply unfolds. (A very enjoyable process if you want it to be.)

More details below in my recent show on awareness and intention-setting, called "What's Bothering You?" I'll be talking about the other two steps in the next two shows, but I'd love to hear your questions and comments in the meantime!

Independence and Interdependence: Please comment!

2009-12-02T00:43:00.000-08:00

Thanks to the caller who called in to yesterday’s show on “Independence and Interdependence”. (To hear the show from Cyber Monday, click here.) Apologies that I forgot to ask you your name! In this post, I’ll have to call you the "Cyber Monday Caller."

The Cyber Monday Caller has experienced that women don’t want the responsibility of making decisions, and asked what the statistics were (or what I thought they would be) around the percentage of women who feel they have or are subjecting themselves to their men’s whims and don’t feel it necessary to change anything, and they’ll continue to complain about it to their friends, behind their partner’s back. Hmmm…

I’ll be honest - I don’t know what the statistics are, and I didn’t feel it was my place to do the speculation. But I’ll be keeping an eye open for some supporting stats for this now. (When I find something, I’ll post it here.) Is it really a “big hullaballoo about nothing,” as the Cyber Monday Caller says? (If you're listening to the show archive, it comes up around minute 35:00.)

If you listen to the show, you’ll hear the Cyber Monday Caller speculate that 90% of women would keep this dynamic as it is: “So what makes you say this like it’s a major problem?” he asks. I personally think the percentage is much, much less, and the number of women I’ve encountered in my experience who would like to assert themselves with better effect in relationships of all kinds is closer to the reverse.

So, fellow Soulmates, here’s your chance to tell me (AND The Cyber Monday Caller):

Have you ever given over decision-making power to a partner when you’ve been in a relationship?
Was it a good or bad experience for you? What did you learn from the experience?
How many of you feel that the giving over of decision-making power to one’s partner is a common relationship problem - or not?

I’m looking forward to lots of your comments & thoughts. Enter your comments below.

Independence and Interdependence: Classic Dilemma of the Mature Single

2009-12-01T01:05:00.000-08:00

The Cyber Monday show of Soulmate from Within on BlogTalkRadio tackles this very classic dilemma for mature single people. (You can listen to the show here. It will open in a new window.)

After living on your own for a number of years, even the idea of bringing a partner into your world can send shivers down a person’s spine. Especially for women, the push-pull conflict of “losing one’s independence” is one that is particularly potent in this era.

The conflict is not exclusive to women. Men often experience confusion over what a woman wants, in this regard: whether being a gentleman will be viewed as offensive or patronizing, or if treating her like “one of the guys” is ruining his chances because he’s not enough of a gentleman for her.
So, is it one or the other and all-or-nothing? Or is it a balance?

Like so many things, each individual needs to look in themselves for their own true answer. What makes this dilemma particularly sticky is that there is so much “story” behind it (You might recognize is as “traditional behavior.), that it can be a challenge to distinguish between what’s your truth, what you’ve deducted from a past painful experience, or what you’ve been trained or conditioned into thinking a “good woman” and a “good man” are in relationship.

In essence, whenever what we say and do is not aligned with what we really feel, we are bound to experience frustration. Every time we hide from ourselves and our true desire and fail to give appropriate voice to that, we add another experience of frustration. As this frustration builds without resolution, it can turn into annoyance or even resentment. If you have ever ended up resenting someone you once loved or getting deeply annoyed with someone despite their caring for you and not ever offending you, then you have experienced what I am talking about.

The common fear of losing one’s independence in a relationship comes from seeing independence as the only way to freedom. And that’s where understanding INTERdependence comes in.

While INdependence is the lack of dependency on another, INTERdependence is the mutual dependence of both parties to each other. It’s not two individuals trying to share one life together, nor is it two halves of a person making one whole person: It is two persons who choose in every moment to create a living that continuously fulfills each person’s life in a way that could not be accomplished individually. This kind of relationship has a positive effect on the two persons in it, as well as on their relationships with others.

However, this kind of creation only happens when both persons actively participate in the relationship. When one person needs to make a decision, s/he considers its effect on the relationship, for the benefit of both persons and the relationship. It is not done out of courtesy or politeness. By the same token, the relationship is not benefited by the constant suppression of one of the person’s desires for the relationship, whether they are choosing not to express themselves or they are being discouraged from doing so.
Whether you fear losing independence in a future relationship or find yourself “getting burned” repeatedly in past relationships, these are fruitful places to begin developing your awareness of yourself and your ideas about dependency and interdependency with other people. In the same way, if you’re currently in a relationship and you’ve got this one-sided dynamic (or a tendency toward it) and it’s not doing much for you, it is your awareness that begins to change the dynamic gently, from the inside.
I’d love to hear if this is something that you can relate to and what your experience of the “Independence and Interdependence” internal conflict is for you. Share your comments here.

A Thank-You Gift to Soulmates everywhere!

2009-11-12T14:11:00.000-08:00

The holidays are already upon us! Are you ready?

As a holiday gift to Soulmates everywhere, I’m offering a special, complimentary teleseminar on Tuesday, November 17 at 5:00 PM Pacific / 8:00 PM Eastern.

Holiday Survival Guide for Shy Singles
“Merry Meeting People!”

Socializing for the holidays was always a huge challenge for me, until I started thinking of myself and these events differently. I’ll be sharing what I’ve learned in my own experience, as well as addressing participants’ own questions and challenges during the Q&A time of the event.

Of course I’ll be inviting you to at least one Discovery Activity to try before and during this season’s holiday parties and happy hours!

What a great gift to give youself or a friend! (I’d be flattered if you re-gifted me!)

Just click here to RSVP! Hope to see you there!

- Janice

Thankfulness as Your Relationship Strategy

2009-11-03T17:21:00.001-08:00

On yesterday's radio show in the new time slot, I talked about using thankfulness in your relationship strategy. (I'm talking about this relationship strategy all month long, so catch the archives or be sure to catch the next two weeks of shows.)

Thankfulness and gratitude are so much more than just being polite. I tend to think that the reason why most of us don't really understand thankfulness on a deeper level is because we're not really trained to be thankful.
We're not really trained to look at what we have now as already abundant.
We're not really trained that the desire for something in our lives is not the same as an expression of what is lacking in our lives.

What we are expertly trained on - for many of us, from the time we're children - is to look at what should have been better, what we did or are doing wrong, and easily name off everything that we should have but don't have today.

"The world today takes a lot of stock in what is wrong. The world today takes a lot of stock in what's missing." It's not that we can't see what we have now as anything special. We're just not used to it. So at first, the re-training to see something different takes work. It is much easier to complain about what we don't have, because that is more actionable. We should be able to do something about the things that are wrong. We can't do anything about the things that are already right.

But focusing on the things that are right and good in our lives - that is, being thankful - is the action we can take when we are challenged with things gone wrong. Did you ever notice how the person who is constantly mentioning their certain disaster, certainly suffers it? We get more of whatever it is we think of, and we get more of whatever we are emotionally attached to, whether it currently exists or not.

So, here's the real trick to this strategy:

Identify and express gratititude for whatever bits you have today of what you want tomorrow.

For example:

If you want more money in your life, look in your wallet now and say, "Thank you for that $4.37! It's there for something good today!"
Or if you want more connection in your life, get the phone numbers or email addresses of your current connections and let them know you were thinking of them and that you thank them for all they've done for you.
If you're looking for your body to be more hot, identify one or more of your body parts - even if it's a 1-inch-square patch of skin - and look at it kindly, directly or in a mirror, and say aloud to yourself, "That is one hot [put body part name here]."

I call this Discovery Activity, the Thank You Bits. And the more ridiculous I thought an exercise was, the more effective it ended up being!

An alternate Discovery Activity - and the one I recommended on the air - is the very simple Gratitude List. I used to do this myself every night, as a result of this show, I'm going to start doing it again. Before going to bed each night, list on paper or in your head, at least TEN THINGS you're thankful for from the day.

Examples:

What you have (such as: friends, your housing, all your teeth)
What you're glad happened (such as: got paid, got groceries, prescriptions got filled)
What you did (such as: said hi to the post office lady, laughed at the exercise Janice suggested earlier, cooked a tasty dinner)

I have personally tested every Discovery Activity I have provided for you. Try either of these out for at least once a day for the next week - until next week's radio show - and see what happens. Never thought that thankfulness had a goofy side, did you?

I love to hear from you! Tell me what you think of these Discovery Activities for Thankfulness and what kinds of results you're getting when you try them!

To listen to my webcast on this subject, click here.
For a listing of my upcoming shows about Thanksgiving (and for more archived shows), check out my radio show page.

Updates at Soulmate from Within

2009-11-02T00:31:00.000-08:00

Happy Halloween & good-bye Daylight Savings time!

That's me in my go-go girl getup (& Denis the fish, looking on) on Halloween. Crazy kids! I was attempting to film a Halloween video, but ran into problems, so I'm just going to wear this to do the vacuuming this week instead.

I just wanted to provide an update on my latest projects, since you haven't heard from me in a while.

The biggest change is that the radio show is changing timeslots. We're going a little later so hopefully, it works more conveniently with your schedule to Mondays at 4:30 PM Pacific / 7:30 PM Eastern. If you haven't listened to the radio show yet, give it a try this month, when I talk about "Thankfulness as Part of Your Singles Strategy," in honor of the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday. I'm also taking your live calls, so catch the live stream on the web or call in to listen or get live coaching at 347-205-9191. You can also listen to all the archives from the BlogTalkRadio page.

I am also in the process of writing a book. Its called, Why Everyone Should Marry an Asian American Man (At Least Once). Obviously, it's about Asian American men, but it's also about attractiveness and what Asian American men have to teach us about attractiveness. Interesting, huh? I've got more details on my other website, as well as an Attractiveness Questionnaire that I hope you'll try out - even just for kicks. It's fun, takes less than 5 minutes, and you don't have to be Asian, male or attractive to take it. I think you'll learn some interesting things about yourself in the process. Click here to go straight to the Attractiveness Questionnaire.

Apologies for taking so long between posts. More to come, I promise. Please keep in touch!

Quick Poll - Improving your single/dating life

2009-10-12T12:12:00.000-07:00

What's your biggest challenge in improving your single or dating life? Take the quick poll!

And if your choice isn't listed on there, leave a comment here and tell me what that would be.

You guys are great! Thanks for your input!

The Next 100 Days!

2009-09-23T18:09:00.000-07:00

Today begins the 100-day countdown to the end of the year. When I found this out yesterday, I began taking this “doomsday” tone:

“Only 100 days left in the year!”
“What will you accomplish in the last 100 days of 2009?”
I might as well have been saying, “How will you live these last 100 days of your life?”

Thankfully, most projects are not nearly as dire as life-and-death (Or are they? Hmm….), but it does put that critical physical element into fierce perspective: Time.

Historically, I have done fairly well in higher-pressure business scenarios, mostly because I can focus on what’s important without losing my composure. But it does wear a person down, and it’s not an environment I can work in over long periods. So like many people, I steer clear of these kinds of situations by preparing appropriately, by project planning, and by taking proper rest.

Then I heard we had 100 days to go in the year. And I started telling myself there were only 100 days left – for everything.

And that was a total lie.

The truth became real when I printed out a calendar in which I had re-cast the next 100 days in a matrix. (Calendar inspired by @WritingSpirit.) There were no more weeks or months. Just a 10x10 rectangle of 100 littler boxes. The days, weeks, and years became irrelevant squares. I was magically freed of the impending doom of year-end, and a very special thought came to mind:

It’s not the last hundred days.
It’s the next hundred days.

And while there’ll be another hundred days after that (and another hundred and another hundred), if I want something to happen badly enough, I can make each day count in some way toward making it actually happen.

I suddenly saw 100 magic steps, 100 exact tasks, a giant piece of work divided into 100 little nuggets of time, each of which would bring me closer to a completed goal. I haven’t been inspired like this for a long time.

My 100-day goal is to write and publish a book. (And now that I’ve said it to the entire Internet, I’ve got popular pressure/support to do it!)

And that’s what a 100-day challenge is about. I’ve never done this before, but I’m excited about what will unfold by the year’s end. Whatever it is, on this schedule, the unfolding can't be stopped and the results will be apparent. (For me, that’s an especially tough opportunity to turn away from. Can I really say, "No, thanks. I'm don't want to see what could happen"???) Such a short amount of time for so much difference to occur in a person’s life!

The Invitation:
Do the challenge with me! You can download my own 100-Day Calendar template and play along at home, or add a comment here expressing your goal and how you want to be supported by others in the challenge. You can also check out inspiring video on Gary Ryan Blair, the Goals Guy’s website http://startfastfinishstrong.com/.

Big thanks to Julie Isaac (@WritingSpirit) and to Gary Ryan Blair (http://startfastfinishstrong.com/) for the inspiration.

Cha-LAWNGE, Baby!

"I didn't expect to be single at this age."

2009-09-17T23:02:00.000-07:00

Are you wondering what you did wrong to get here?
Is a relationship the last elusive piece of your life puzzle?
Had you hoped for more than this, by this time in your life?

There's no secret formula and there's no one-size-fits-all solution to these questions. In fact, the answers are already within you, and they're uniquely your own. It's a matter of asking for them in a way that you can hear and see the answers.

Here's the truth:

You haven't done anything wrong.
Relationships are not elusive - unless you think they're supposed to be.
You can still have all that you hope for - if you know what it is.

And lastly, you probably haven't gotten quiet enough to hear this out of your own heart, let alone start believing it. Quiet just isn't part of our culture!

After all, it's not the theme from the majority of messaging around us.

Our lives today are so busy and noisy that it requires extraordinary effort to find any quiet in the day. But it takes a step outside of the hustle and bustle to start creating something else. We can get so unaccustomed to noise that stillness can become pretty jarring. Have you ever been home alone at night, and it be so quiet that you suddenly imagine that you are hearing things? That's what it's like to be "alarmed by silence."

You will get some of the most amazing answers when it's still enough and you're relaxed enough to allow yourself to listen. Can you carve out just 5 minutes of quiet today to try it out? Seriously, 5 minutes is all it takes! I wouldn't say so if I didn't do this myself!

(If 5 minutes is too grueling, start today with 1 minute on an egg timer and add a minute to your quiet time every day.)

In that Quiet Time, repeat to yourself one truth that you'd like to start believing. It doesn't matter if you think it's ridiculous today. It just needs to be a positive truth.

Some experts say it takes 21 days of this practice to actually see results, but don't be surprised (or afraid to share!) if "strange" things start happening in less time than that.

BPO: Solution-Storming

2009-09-08T12:11:00.000-07:00

You've heard that "Two heads are better than one," and you've probably heard of "brainstorming." Here's the exercise I brought in to this morning's BPO breakfast (Business Professionals Organization) - a professional development exercise I call "Solution Storming," which is based in collaborative problem solving.

If you try this with your group, please share how it worked out for you!

Solution Storming
Minimum time: 10 mins. (Can be extended to 20-30 mins.)
Group size: 4 or more participants (Really good for larger groups)
Other notes:

Pen and paper aren't necessary to do the exercise, but some participants find it useful to write down the results of this exercise and take it home with them.
If you're meeting in a room that allows movement, I suggest getting the participants mobile. That is, encourage people to stand up and move around and partner up with people they haven't worked with closely before.

Steps:

Think of something in your professional and personal life that you would like to improve.
List some actions you've already taken to improve this issue.
Pair up with someone in the group and take turns (2 minutes each turn) quickly describing what you'd like to improve and what you've done. Then ask your partner for some other possible solutions for your problem, off the top of their head.
If there's more time, find a new partner and repeat Step 3. (Ideally, you'd each get a chance to talk with three different people, but even talking with one or two people usually conjures up some new solutions you may not have considered before.)

For more info on the Business Professionals Organization, you can contact them at UABPO@aol.com. Tell 'em Janice sent ya!

To Network, or Not to Network

2009-09-02T11:53:00.001-07:00

I used to think that networking was for a certain kind of person. And that person was not me: I am not outgoing; I don't particularly enjoy large crowds; I don't need everyone in the room to like or even notice me.

This is what I thought good networkers did; therefore, I was not built to be a good networker. Then a mentor of mine in college put it a different way, assuring me that there was nothing wrong with me: "Janice, you just treasure your connection with a person more." Thanks, but what value did this have in business? I thought. Oh, well. On through college and on to working in one cubicle after another. I figured this was the path I was built for, being a non-networker and all.

Eighteen years later, I have my own business and I still don't enjoy networking events. The 30-second commercial, the schmoozing, the people not listening to you even though you paid dire attention to their lousy 30-second commercial. So I've had to re-write my scripts about networking, including the real objective around networking. For me, it's to connect with people who have mutual interest in sharing what we can to help each other and each other's businesses to grow and affect the world positively. Obviously, I'm not going to connect with everyone, because not everyone sees opportunity the same as I do. But the point is that you could write your own script around networking too - something that's more true to you and your goals than what you've traditionally thought or seen.

This opens the opportunity to network wherever you are, and it becomes remarkably easier if you are somewhere doing something that you want to be doing! In other words, networking is easier when you're happy, when you're excited. And that means enjoying grocery shopping, attending your kids' soccer games, hitting the free ArtWalk downtown, etc. Go places that you like, and you'll find people there that you'd like to meet.

At this point, I have to mention Keith Ferrazzi's blog article, which was the inspiration for me to write my own blog article on networking.

Twisted Five-Why Process

2009-08-31T13:45:00.001-07:00

Questions can be as powerful as we want them to be. As a coach, I use questions with my clients all the time. People often ask me if I "coach myself," and the answer is absolutely YES! Coaches are generally an inquisitive bunch, but more than being able to ask the right questions is listening for a person's true answers.

We all have the ability to coach ourselves a little bit. Oftentimes, that means asking things that challenge our thinking or beliefs about ourselves and others. It's the answers to these questions that are most instrumental in propelling us "to the next level" (a phrase that doesn't really sit well with me, but I use because others relate to it more easily) and in helping us grow (Ahh, that phrase feels so much better.).

The whole industry of Quality Control came about from asking questions. In fact, "The Five-Why Process" for root-cause analysis is a process of literally asking a new and difficult "Why?"-question about a specific problem, five times. The premise is that by peeling away symptoms of a problem, layer-by-layer, we ultimately get to ask the question that reveals the true cause of a problem - or at least gets us a little closer. While this process was developed by Sakichi Toyoda and later utilized by the Toyota Motor Corporation, and more recently by Kaizen, lean manufacturing, and Six Sigma - all quality and efficiency improvement programs, we can use The Five-Why Process as a place to start in improving our personal lives, but it's definitely JUST A STARTING POINT.

Let's look at an example - and where it falls flat.
The Problem: "I never get asked out on dates." (A woman)
1. Why do I never get asked out on dates? "Because guys aren't attracted to me, I guess."
2. Why are guys not attracted to me? "Because I'm not 'girly.'"
3. Why am I not 'girly'? "Because I'm not emotional."
4. Why am I not emotional? "Because I do things based on evidence, not emotion."
5. Why do I do things based on evidence? "Because I'm a loser, alright!!"
HUH????

Every time I use this on myself, I don't get very far with it. I actually get very guilty by the end of it. I think that I've asked the wrong questions, and I feel farther from and more frustrated about getting an answer to my dilemma. And besides, "why" is such a guilt-loaded question, terribly reminiscent of childhood scoldings and discipline. It makes me sound like I'm screwed up and hopeless. Blech.

So my twist on The Five-Why Process is to love whatever reasons you do what you do. The Five-Why Process can give us insights into some of the things we might consider changing in our lives, but it doesn't necessarily give us the means and encouragement to do it. At the end of each statement about yourself, add "...and I LOVE IT!" (or similar). If writing, use CAPITAL LETTERS! If doing this aloud, be sure to state I LOVE IT with absolute ENTHUSIASM - whether you mean it or not. (By the time you answer Why #5, you will!)

Let's look at the example again - with my special twist.

The Problem: "I never get asked out on dates." (A woman)

1. Why do I never get asked out on dates? "Because guys aren't attracted to me, I guess."

2. Why are guys not attracted to me? "Because I'm not 'girly' - and I LOVE IT!"

3. Why am I not 'girly'? "Because I'm not emotional - and I LOVE IT!"

4. Why am I not emotional? "Because I decide based on evidence, not emotion - and I LOVE IT!"

5. Why do I decide based on evidence? "Because I do, and I LOVE IT!"

More love, more joy, more happiness - these are all the improvements we're looking for in our personal lives. And while life is a process of continual learning, WE are not manufacturing life. Love, joy, and happiness are not manufactured products, and that's why The Five-Why Process is only going to get me so far in my personal life.

We must have to ask ourselves something more, but first, we have to WANT to find the true answers. More on asking questions, in future posts.

All the best,

- Janice

Soulmate from Within

http://soulmatefromwithin.com/

"Bringing you closer to yourself - and the love you were made for."

BPO: A Listening Exercise

2009-06-03T22:55:00.000-07:00

How many of us think we are good listeners?

Here's an exercise you can do with a partner or with 2 or 3 other people. Larger groups can be broken up into pairs or small groups of 3 or 4, with debriefing steps taken as a large group.

Choose one person in the group to be the "Speaker." The rest of the group are considered "Listeners." The Speaker will only be speaking to their little group and not have to speak to the entire room.
The role of the Speaker is to talk for 2 minutes about a subject the Facilitator announces. Listeners must do exactly that - LISTEN, and that is all! No note-taking, no asking questions. Don't bother trying to memorize details, because there won't be a quiz. So just listen and watch and try to enjoy the Speaker's story. I suggest everyone take a relaxing breath before the exercise begins.
Round 1: The Speaker will talk to their small group about the most challenging part of their day. (2 minutes)
After Round 1, debrief (as a larger group, if that's the case) and discuss the challenges of listening.
Round 2: The Speaker will talk to their small group about their dream vacation. (2 minutes)
After Round 2, debrief (as a larger group) with the following questions:

Which presentation was easier to stay attentive to? Which presentation did Listeners relate to more?
How hard did Listeners have to work to keep listening?
Which was the easier topic for Speakers to talk about?
Since you could not take notes or ask questions, what did Listeners find themselves doing mentally? Trying to track details or chronology? Trying to keep their minds focused on the Speaker?
What else did you learn from doing this exercise?

You can vary this exercise by rotating the Speaker role to someone else in the small group and using new subjects for the Speaker to present on. You can allow Listeners to take notes in another round, then ask questions in another round, then debrief on what notes were taken and questions that were asked and why Listeners think these were the notes and questions of interest.

BPO: Prioritizing and Accountability

2009-05-05T15:48:00.000-07:00

I belong to a group called the Business Professionals Organization for University of Arizona Alumni (aka "BPO"). Here's a link to their/our blog. The group meets every other Tuesday, and what's special about their meetings is that they do a professional development exercise that's facilitated by a professional, and an attendee can start improving their life right away.

As I start posting more of these exercises, you can search for keywords “BPO” or “professional development.”

I'm blessed to be on this facilitator rotation, and that means I get to share my exercises with you. I've done several for the group, (I can't share the other facilitator's exercises, but you should still see what Jennifer Furrier and Jenn Kaye do, because they do great work.)

You're welcome to share these exercises with others. I just ask that you credit my blog or website. Greatly appreciated!

This week's exercise was pretty basic, but very key for most of us in our lives. If you've ever gotten to a point in your afternoon where you realize that you've spent all morning working on tasks that aren't toward your greater goal or larger purpose, then you could apply this technique today. If you don't take the five minutes to do this, you can end up wasting days of things of little value. You will need 3 notecards, a pen, and a friend who would like to help you reach your goal.

Identify a goal that you're looking to accomplish within the next 1-6 months (or longer term, if you have it).
Identify 3 tasks that you're currently delaying on that would thrust you forward huge steps toward your long-term goal.
The tasks could just be making that phone call to a potential partner or sending that email to set up coffee with someone or writing 2 paragraphs of the article you need to write. They don't have to be large tasks - they just have to be significant ones. They should be tasks that will have real value to you and your goal when you've completed them.
Write one task on each of the notecards.
Choose one of the tasks you want to work on this week. Find a visible place to post this week's notecard.
Tell your friend about your long-term goal and what you'd like them to do that would keep you accountable: By email? By phone? In-person? And when you'd like them to do it: Each day for the next 3 days? In a week?
If you're sensitive about how someone asks about your goal, it's entirely understandable - especially, if it's a goal that you care about. Do your friend a favor and specify EXACTLY what you'd like them to say to you as a reminder. If necessary, provide your friend with the script you want to them to use that would encourage you and keep you on track.

I'd love to hear comments on how this exercise worked for you!

My First ScriptFrenzy Experience

2009-05-02T15:06:00.000-07:00

Most of you know that I participated in this year's ScriptFrenzy. (Read my excited post on starting the experiment.) The contest ended on April 30th, and it's time to debrief on my experience.

I have always been intrigued by these contests, not to win it or even to write something good, but to try it out and see how I do. I have never written a script before, so this was supposed to be my April adventure activity.

Numerically speaking, it didn't go very well. I wrote five pages.
I also admit that the quality of work was pretty lousy too.

But when it comes to stepping out of our normal routines - whether it's a new habit or adopting a different perspective - our failed attempts can be some of the best encouragement while we develop. There's no harm in giving ourselves credit for things accomplished along the way. In fact, it's an important step when we're trying to make lasting, positive change.

While I didn't write much on my play, I watched plays in the last month, and I learned to watch them with a writer's eye. Plays, TV shows, movies all fall into a different perspective when you're noticing how the stage directions, scenery, and lighting add subtle effects to the story itself. I read plays in the last month and went to the reading of a play that's on its way to being produced.

And I went from having written zero pages of a script to having written FIVE! I expect to at least double that next time.

When we start defining success in ways that are non-traditional (money earned, numbers reached, time saved, etc.), we start seeing that failure exists for some people, but success and failure only make their mark based on how we define it for ourselves. Only YOU can really give yourself credit for your successes.

The Smooth Road

2009-04-18T11:10:00.000-07:00

(Thanks to Kim at Jane Cares for your latest blog article, "Love a Lemon." It got me thinking - and writing - and I am WAY overdue for a good write.)

Most of the time, we are always wanting smooth roads. This is why we take the freeway. I know people - good people, mind you! - who will drive 2 extra miles to get to the freeway entrance in order to avoid running into stoplights over a 5-mile distance.

The desire for the smoothest road - one without stoplights, turns, bumps, or potholes - is the desire to reach a destination, and nothing else. When the destination is the most important thing (like getting to work quickly), then a freeway is important to have around.

In life, the smooth road is the one that is free of disease, breakups, loss, or discomfort. Some people feel they can plan around these things to make for a smoother road. Some people make "smoothing the road" their life's work, with honorable destinations of retirement or owning the house or getting married or having kids or working from the corner office. Some people avoid anything that would create a new turn in their smooth road

And somehow, unexpected things still turn up in our smooth roads.
So, maybe getting the smoothest road isn't really the point.

The freeway isn't the only road to one's destination. There have always been sidestreets. When we get used to taking the freeway everywhere, we forget that sidestreets even exist. We forget that there is life under the concrete ramps and overpasses. The sidestreets have potholes and stoplights; we'll have to stop and it will take more time than taking the freeway. But at least the sidestreets have people and shops and things to look at besides the smoothness of the asphalt.

If you've been on the freeway so long that you've lost the "drive" for your destination, it could be time to take the off-ramp and roam the sidestreets for a turn or two until your original reason comes back to you.

We can think of the economic climate of the previous 15 years as having been a wild ride on the freeway. We're all being forced off the freeway to take the sidestreets for a little while. While you're on the slower roads, use that extra time to take notice and enjoy what's around you. I know I have been surprised encountering all the things I haven't seen, just by taking a different route. "How long has this been around?" I'll ask.

The answer is usually, "Long before the freeway came up."

For a real treat, absorb the surroundings on a country road. Bring a sandwich and you have a cheap field trip!

ScriptFrenzy: More fun for weirdos like me

2009-03-19T10:48:00.000-07:00

I signed up for a new challenge this morning. It sounded like so much fun that I couldn't resist.

From the people who bring us National Novel Writing Month (aka "NaNoWriMo") - the international challenge to write a novel in one month, there is ScriptFrenzy - the international challenge to write a 100-page screenplay in the month of April. Yes, it begins in 12 days, and I'm positively ecstatic!

These challenges are perfect opportunities to create something that you never thought you could before. What I love about it is that in one month, it's OVER. I can try it out and decide for myself if this is was fun enough to try "for real," or if it was just an interesting challenge and I now have a cheesy script that will likely never see a director or producer's desk.

If you think you might be a writer, that you might have a book or a screenplay in you, then this is the opportunity to just try it out. For those who are interested in the math, 100 pages in 30 days is three-and-a-third pages a day. That's pretty small; we all probably write and read enough email messages in a day to amount to at least 3.33 pages.

But imagine that you'd be writing what you'd want to write about: maybe it's that ridiculous idea you had for a soap opera; or maybe it's the reason you conjured up on that couple in the booth across from you, who are exchanging such angry looks and one-word answers; or maybe it's what you speculate happens between those two on the drive home after dinner. The possibilities are endless! And I say, the more ridiculous, the better.

The non-objective is: After 30 days, it doesn't have to be good. It doesn't even have to be done! The only one you're really "competing" with is yourself. Don't do it if it's going to make you sick with personal pressure. Don't do it if you're going to beat yourself up over the next month for every day that you don't write 3 pages.

But if you were ever curious if you had it in you, if you have ever wondered what it would be like to write anything on a schedule (That's me!), if you ever wanted to see how creative a person labeled "non-creative" could really get, then this might be something worth trying out. After all, it's only ONE MONTH! (And it's FREE!)

If you're looking for a writing buddy for April's ScriptFrenzy, then look up my ScriptFrenzy profile, and we can encourage each other to have fun for the next 30 days! Oh yeah, and there'll be a script of some sort on May 1st.

Jeans that Fit

2009-03-10T20:33:00.000-07:00

Every woman (and, I suspect, many a man, if they'd be willing to admit it) has trouble finding a pair of jeans that really fit well. Sometimes, you don't even realize that you have been wearing awful jeans until you've tried a pair that feels abso-tively fantastic.

This is my case, and I had been very loyal to The Gap's jeans for much of my adult life. Ever since my little brother worked there in college and put me in a pair of 10A Boot Cuts, that's the only jean I even cared to wear.

Then The Gap changed their styles. Boot Cut was gone and was eventually replaced by your choice of Curvy, Long and Lean, Low-Rise Boot Cut, and Mid-Rise Boot Cut. I quit The Gap and hadn't returned to them years - until today.

This was no whimsy. I had more urgent reasons: the 10A Boot Cuts I got 5 years ago were no longer responding positively to my doctoring and nursing. Despite the only-occasional use, delicate washings, and hang-dryings, these antiques of mine were becoming less and less appropriate to wear outside the house. Patches that were thread-bare were quickly becoming "ventilation."

I tried to find other jeans this week. Cheaper jeans. Non-Gap jeans. Nothing looked right or felt right.

And when I finally walked into The Gap again, I put on a pair of 10A Long and Leans, and the love returned - the love of myself! I literally looked into the mirror at myself and sighed. Then of course, I laughed that I should be so relieved by a pair of jeans. But when we try to make a pair of jeans "work" when they really don't, we tend to either blame our bodies or blame the jeans, and I felt so good that I didn't have to do that anymore. So I threw down my bag of pennies and made the investment in two pair of jeans - and myself.

Jeans that fit - indeed, clothes that fit - should remind us how beautiful we are. And if the clothes remind me of something any less positive, it' worth saving my money for the clothes that make it easier for me to remember how blessed I am by this body.

This is not an endorsement of The Gap or any of their products.
However, this is an endorsement of YOU and your feeling beautiful! Do what feels right and do what feels beautiful to you!

Pismaniye: Day 25

2009-02-25T10:16:00.000-08:00

By the end of the day, I was getting concerned that I was not going to have anything to “write home about” for today. You couldn’t exactly have a day in the Month of Inspiration that didn’t have inspiration.

(The truth is, you might have an uninspiring day in the Month of Inspiration, but it’s not because the inspiration wasn’t there. It’s because you weren’t open to it that day. Of course, this knowledge wasn’t really helping much at the time.)

Well, Day 25 was getting to be one of these days. I had shuffled a couple appointments around last-minute, because I felt I needed the extra time at home. I had not been feeling particularly motivated, despite there being a whole lot to do. And to really exacerbate the fact that these choices were really not working well for me, I showed up for an ice cream benefit on the wrong day!

It was around 8 p.m. when I walked away from the ice cream place and back the seven blocks to my car – with no ice cream but with a heavy feeling of failure instead. “Man, I really screwed up this day!” I thought. That I was living in the Month of Inspiration was the furthest thing from my mind.

Then I came upon a Mediterranean restaurant. It always smells good around this place, and this time was no exception. I popped in to see what homemade desserts they had today: baklawa, Turkish delights, and these squares that looked like stringy cotton candy. The girl behind the counter was very helpful and vouched that they were all delicious. Of course, I asked about the one I’d never seen before, the one she wouldn’t tell me the name of. They reminded me square versions of the Highland cows in Scotland, without the horns and the rural smell.

Pismaniye. (Here's what it looks like.) It has a more traditional name, but it’s harder to say. I got one vanilla square and one chocolate square to go. I didn’t even wait to get back to my car to start tearing into it. Delicious and mentally stimulating! I wondered the whole time how they made these things.

And that’s when it hit me. I had stopped thinking about how much of screw-up I had been today. I had stopped strategizing how I could fix it before I went to bed that night. I had gotten a do-over – and my inspiration for the day.

Tony Robbins says that in order to get past your misery, you have to start ahead of it. There’s nothing like something strange and delicious to help us get out of our own misery and re-connect us to the world. Do you feel like you need a reset button? What will be your strange and delicious “pasmaniye experience” today?

Overfeeding: Day 24

2009-02-24T13:04:00.000-08:00

When we were kids, my brothers and I had a fish tank with some goldfish. The tank sat in the corner of the family room, by the entrance to a foyer. Every time we passed by the fish tank, which was every time we went to the bedrooms, we would naturally want to do something with the fish. As there is really only one thing to do with goldfish, the goldfish would get fed nearly every time one of us went by.

The goldfish never lived for very long in our house.

Our neighbors, on the other hand, kept their fish tank on a counter so the kids could see it but not get into it. Their fish got fed once a day, and eventually, their little goldfish grew into a gigantic goldfish that took over the tank. In fact, this fish from the 80’s was still alive when I visited for my ten-year high school reunion in 2000.

Sometimes, in our efforts toward self-improvement, we overfeed ourselves. This is where I am today, and as a result, I am in the middle of a serious bloat. I am poring over books and online articles, trying to delve further into “what my truth is” or “what my blocks are,” and of course, how to fix them. But there is a point at which we become saturated, overfed, and bloated, and just like after a good, heavy meal, we are full of good information, but just so much of it that it doesn’t make sense.

Some of us are information junkies, which isn’t a bad thing. But if you’ve ever gathered so much on a subject you enjoyed that it became unexciting, or reached a point that it didn’t feel like any of it was helping you make a decision or take action, then you know the information bloat that comes from being overfed.

So how do we resolve being overfed with information? Well, if I had overeaten at a meal, I would take a Mylanta. And if I didn’t have a Mylanta on hand, I would have to take a break from eating, take a walk, and pretty much give myself time to digest.

Being such a "doing" culture, it can be difficult to step away from a situation and give it time to resolve itself. Once we’ve done the feeding and watering, we now have to give ourselves time to grow. Out of frustration for results, we've been trained to get our hands in it again and do something. But that's like picking at a scab every day because you have to see if the cut is healing.

Let go - and let grow!

Idea Machines: Day 23

2009-02-23T12:57:00.000-08:00

Are you an idea machine?
If you're not sure? Here’s how you can tell.

In the course of your amazing life, have you…

Done the dishes?
Done laundry? Folded clothes?
Showered or bathed?
Brushed your teeth and washed your face? (Please everyone say yes to this one!)
Cooked a meal?
Sewn or knitted?
Driven to work or to school?
Taken a walk?
Cleaned your house?

If you do any of these things on a regular basis, then you are an Idea Machine. If you don’t believe me, then take note of what it is you are doing the next time you remember something that you forgot, remember the name of that math teacher you had in high school, or notice that a song is stuck in your head. You were likely doing one of these mundane activities.

Daily living doesn’t seem like the beautiful Eden we think creativity comes from. But daily living can actually set the stage for creative ideas to spring up. Once you get out of the mind that edits, you are an Idea Machine; you just may not have realized there was a higher purpose for doing that yardwork or commuting.

Celebrate Creativity: Days 21 & 22

2009-02-22T22:01:00.000-08:00

Celebration seemed to be the theme this weekend: Not just celebrate, but celebrate always!

My weekend exactly? Friends getting together for a made-up holiday, a film about the artist in everyone, museums, and a prayer gathering.

This weekend changed my understanding of creativity as a private endeavor. But it is because of creativity that we all become connected and connected more deeply. These celebrations came from the creation of circumstances - not the waiting-around-for-the-right-circumstances.

If you don't think you have a reason to celebrate, then look closer - or make one up! This weekend's "F Day" was proof enough that people will come celebrate with you simply because you asked them.

Share that joy in your heart, and watch it multiply.

Labels: Day 20

2009-02-20T11:29:00.000-08:00

Some time ago, I was catching up with a friend over coffee, after a long separation. In typical fashion, I would take the conversation into an interesting tangent, then she would, and after a few turns of this, we would backtrack to figure out what it was we were initially talking about. It's a fun game, if you ask me, and I'm used to just riding my innertube down the rapids of a conversation, to whatever interesting places it wants to take us.

I understand that not everyone can have that kind of conversation, and I try to be respectful of that. (Some readers won't believe this, but I myself have reined plenty of discussions in to a task at hand, as necessary.) However, I didn't realize my unique disposition could box me in until a label came out: "So you're ADD too! Just like me!"

I was taken a little aback. "ADD" (Attention Deficit Disorder) sounded so awfully limiting, and I didn't think she had ADD, and I hadn't thought of myself as having ADD. Granted, I was an adult past my school years by the time ADD was identified as such. It was as if I had been blackballed from society. Is this what hyperactive kids have to deal with, before they've even learned the coping skills for outside prejudices and limitations? How long had this woman lived stuck under the adhesive of a label? (ADD was just one in the litany of her personal issues at the time.)

This is what labels do. Labels and stereotypes.

Well, on to my response: "I've never been diagnosed with ADD, but if that's what they call this, I've got it to work for me!"

Just because something's different doesn't mean it needs a limiting label. What's different isn't necessarily a problem that needs a label so it can be "fixed." I'm not a clinician, but can't some disorders just be a different order?

I'm not making a plea for mass chaos: trained human reasoning requires that new information be categorized first in relation to previous knowledge. But be aware of the labels you hear, or maybe even subconsciously use, regarding others and especially regarding yourself. If I internalized every label or stereotype that applied to me, I might not leave the house. (Which was indeed the case, back in the day.)

As for my friend, I believe she is living "beyond the label" now - and thriving because of it, whether or not she realizes what she's done for herself. Her communications with me are so positive now. The only label I might suggest we wear today is "Handle with Care"!

Bated Breath: Day 19

2009-02-19T22:34:00.000-08:00

I love that feeling of anticipation: when you know something’s coming and you know it’s going to be good. In fact, today I considered – in a moment of conversation, in which I waited for a response with bated breath – that I could live from one bated breath to the next. Except that that could be setting the scene for one to pass out!

We’ve all felt it before: the feeling of your stomach tightening, the breath you can hardly take in, the smile that you can’t fight from pulling on your mouth.

Under other circumstances, these reactions might be considered the onset of an anxiety attack. But excitement and anticipation are the stuff of dreams: not really knowing how something you care about could turn out, but feeling so strongly inside how amazing it could be. When your heart is full of this warmth, your body gets giddy, as if all the good things are already happening - and you’re just there to watch it unfold.

It’s this kind of anticipation that, in regular doses, is an experience of real joy.

Wouldn’t it be something to have a day that is a series of giddy surprises, like getting mysterious presents throughout the day? You wake up and find a present for you out on the coffee table in the morning. And then there’s another gift for you on your desk when you come back from lunch. Oh, and another little gift on your dashboard that you get to open in your car before you leave the office. There’s one on your doorstep as you enter the house. And one set on your bed before you sleep at night. You never know where or when the little presents are going to pop up! And when you close your eyes, you smile, wondering what gift will be in the living room in the morning… .

If we can choose our attitude – and we can – I would choose this one. I would choose anticipation. And maybe that’s what the Month of Inspiration is all about: living from one moment to the next, excited about what is about to unfold.

AOI's in the MOI: Day 18

2009-02-18T00:08:00.000-08:00

That is, "Agents of Inspiration in the Month of Inspiration."

Have you ever noticed how everything that comes out of certain people’s mouth is just inspiring to you, makes you want to do more, makes you want to be more? They can make you feel like you’re capable of everything you’re doing now or anything you want to do in the future.

That’s an Agent of Inspiration. And I have found lots of them in recent days.

I’ve met many of my AOI Team in the same team put together by our business coach. We all work with the same business coach, and naturally, he’s a pretty inspiring person. Whether they realize it or not, these are people who inspire me, because they are pursuing their calling in the world, and I can only hope that I inspire others in the same way too.

Then I met another Agent today at yoga class. Movies and stories can be Agents of Inspiration as well. So an agent could be alive in-person, in memory, or even fictitious!

The most recent, surprisingly-inspirational movie that I saw was “Zack & Miri Make a Porno.” Once you get past the title, the movie is really about a guy who found love once he found his gift for making movies and bringing people together. Without knowing it, he was inspiring other people by being inspired himself.

Another movie that has always inspired me is “Amelie.” I saw it again a few weeks ago – this time on DVD. I hadn’t seen it since seeing it in the theater many years ago. With the DVD-watching experience, I got to learn about the writer/director’s inspiration and how the artistic cinematography was accomplished. “Amelie” itself is a story about a shy woman stepping up into her own, how it brought a grace to the people around her, and in turn, gave her the grace to accept love for herself.

Who are those people who help you step up into your own, or help you be brave and true to yourself in a moment? Make this day their day in the Month of Inspiration!

Law of Averages: Day 15 in the MOI

2009-02-15T12:11:00.000-08:00

It is said that you are the average of your five best friends. That is, if you take your five best friends and if you were to average out everything about them - their incomes, their ambition, their senses of compassion, their temperaments, etc. - that average is probably you.

Now before you go looking for the numerical quantification of this stuff so you can prove the formula wrong or right, stop and think of your five best friends and then think about yourself. You'll get a sense that your character is amazingly close to theirs - for better or for worse - and that's really the whole point of this highly subjective formula. "Birds of a feather flock together," in more proverbial terms.

I think of my own friends' compassion for others, their devotion to family, their calm, think-it-through dispositions, and their commitment to excellence in whatever they do, and I really like being the average among them. I hope you appreciate the binding characteristics between you and your friends too!

Sure, we could all honor our creative natures more, we could all loosen up a little, we could use a bit of dare every now and then, but all-in-all, what we do and don't have between each other leaves little to have to explain - and leaves so much to love!

"They": Day 14 in the MOI

2009-02-14T14:12:00.000-08:00

Have you ever acknowledged a nameless “they”? If you’ve ever made these statements or something similar, then you have:

“Well, they don’t let us do that anymore.”
“What would they think of this?!”
“I can’t do this, because they need me to be here instead.”

Sometimes, the they that we refer to are people in our lives who depend on us, such as children or other family. And sometimes, they is a boss, a corporation, or organization. Sometimes, our they is God.

And sometimes, we refer to a they whom we don’t even know or have a name for.

How often do we stop and ask who it was we were doing something for – particularly, if it was causing us unhappiness or pain?

Who the h3ll are THEY?

For example: “They say that disciplined people are more successful.” But who are they who said this and how do they define success? Do they necessarily define success for me?

Once we recognize who they are, we learn to separate what they believe and what we believe, and how much of them we feel we own – or owe.

They usually aren’t a source of inspiration. But knowing who they are helps us recognize where our inspiration doesn’t come from, which is a step closer to knowing where your inspiration does come from.

Mediterranean Food: Day 9 in the MOI

2009-02-09T21:27:00.000-08:00

I have been craving gyro for several days now, and the kafta kabob and chicken pita we had today were really not as good as we've had in the past. (Greek Patio restaurant in North Phoenix - I wouldn't recommend the place: slow service, mediocre food, ancient ketchup packets put into your to-go order.)

So how could this be inspiring? Well, I took action on fixing a craving and took a gamble on a place we hadn't tried before. I met another daring woman who was having a vodka tonic at 11:30 a.m. and a full meal with taboule and baklava. She had never had baklava before, and she was trying new stuff too.

On the drive back, I spotted a gyro stand. The gyro craving hasn't yet been satisfied, so the stand is definitely a possibility for next time.

Forgiveness: Day 8 in the MOI

2009-02-08T21:48:00.000-08:00

I haven't been keeping up on my little blog articles. The project is as much a commitment to myself as it is to anything else, and well, I wasn't fulfilling what I set out to do. As is my nature, I started taking on the guilt of falling short and letting myself down much quicker than I was able to evaluate why I wasn't putting in the regular time into a project I was enamored with.

When I considered my guilty feelings, I noticed that I was feeling sorry for a lot of other stuff too - just little things, here and there. It was time to start over! It was time to forgive myself.

Forgiveness is not something that is earned, but something that is freely given. It is the moment we allow ourselves to start again.

Dreams: Day 7 (of 28) in the Month of Inspiration

2009-02-07T23:02:00.000-08:00

I've been waking up dreaming for the past couple mornings. And I don't usually dream or remember them. The first two mornings of dreams, I tried to remember them and jot something down. But this morning, I was so delighted that there was another dream, I didn't bother trying to keep notes.

The dreams have not been earth-shattering or anything relating to my present life, and I wouldn't call them inspired. But I'm enamored that it's even happening in such a consistent manner.

Return Visits: Day 6 (of 28) in the Month of Inspiration

2009-02-06T22:51:00.000-08:00

As the week ended, we all returned home from all the places we were running around to during the week. Back to family, back to expressions of love that are familiar and secure.

We come back to rest, after a week of scurrying - perhaps chasing or trying to tame the world. We return to the places that don't need our control, to the places that maybe change slower than the rest of the world.

We catch our breath.

Afternoon Delight: Day 5 (of 28) in the Month of Inspiration

2009-02-05T23:34:00.000-08:00

It's not what you think.

More meeting with people - some whom I hadn't caught up with in nearly a year, others whom I hadn't caught up with in nearly ten days. Either way, when it's time to spend on a relationship, it's just that time!

This p.m., over teas, Thai food, and wine, was like a series of moments bundled together. Moments falling into order just as they were supposed to. Moments in engaged conversation, moments alone, moments running errands, moments of creative work. Whatever needed to get done today got done, and whatever needed to be said got said. Time spent on anything seemed neither too short nor too long, but just enough.

A relief, and still so effortless! I usually feel as if I am chasing myself down, chasing the clock, shocked that "It's already what time?!" or blown away that a certain task took so much longer than I had expected. None of that today - a day I had a schedule.

Each moment feels well-used, purposeful, and unwasted. Perhaps it is the dawn of a new collaboration between the once-elusive Clock and myself. Indeed, I was ON-TIME to every appointment today and yesterday. And not "on-time" in my usual sense of "arriving within 15 minutes." Timely without a sense of rushing or pushing or even trying.

Perhaps in inspired time, we are taking delight in everything, and we lose nothing to the thief named Worry. In worry, we feel need to direct time in order to avoid time slots that are empty or spent in irrelevance. In inspiration, there is nothing wasted or superfluous; everything is important in that moment, including my being there, and that awareness somehow distills what is relevant out of every pocket of time. I am working on an image that illustrates this best, and the analogy keeps falling short.

I am absolutely "gushy" over this new relationship between Time and me. It might be too soon to tell, but could it be love?

Say Hello to Adventure: Day 4 (of 28) in the Month of Inspiration

2009-02-04T23:32:00.000-08:00

My first day in Golf class, and I realized that I haven't actively tapped into my sense of adventure. I'm a little rusty! Sure, golf isn't the adventure most people think of, but it's a new experience for me, and that's what adventure is all about.

Another adventure that I'd forgotten was perusing the 99-Cent Store. Naturally, I got fixated on the office supplies. There's some nicer office supplies at the 99-Cent Store than I remember in the past: actual brands like Sanford, Pentel, and Papermate. Even Post-It by 3M (vs. something like "Stikky Notes"). Aisles and aisles of stuff just overflowing from the shelves and bins. It was a store that could make you feel like the world was abundant.

So even old experiences can become new adventures when placed in a fresh context. The real adventure is just in the rush of absorbing all the new sights and sounds. And when you're in it, you get to choose between letting the wave come over you and around you or taking a step that would involve you further - like making conversation with a stranger. I used to think this showed great skill, but in truth, adventure affirms our great potential for courage and challenge.

Either way, simple adventures shake up routine and force us to adapt, even when we get to choose our level of engagement. So starting an adventure is wonderful in itself. And "adventure" is just a choice we can make in the face of transition.

Meeting People: Day 3 (of 28) in the Month of Inspiration

2009-02-03T23:43:00.000-08:00

The people I met with today really brought up my spirits! Two encounters were entirely spur-of-the-moment, and I'm so glad it worked out the way it did. And to think we sometimes shy away from this stuff because it's too much drama or too much work or we're worn out or we're not good company.

When we let go how good we think we need to be before we can be in the company of our friends, we realize that "good-ness" has nothing to do with it. Imagine that? I don't need to qualify for a friendship. Simultaneously, I was supported and I provided support. Who knows how much? How can it really be measured and why bother anyhow? But there would have been none of it if either of us were not there.

If you are looking for a divine intervention, stop looking at the skies for a flash of light. Look no further than the call or email or text of a friend that seems random or out-of-the-blue. Who do you think told them to get a hold of you?

Makeup: Day 2 (of 28) in the Month of Inspiration

2009-02-02T23:35:00.000-08:00

Makeup is one of those things I don't use very often. For nearly every turn I have taken in the corporate realm, I have started off wearing a "full face" of makeup on a daily basis, and after the first year, I try to back off of it until I'm down to tinted moisturizer and face powder. Even just pressed powder in the parking lot, if I can get away with it.

Since I started working for myself, I have spent more days makeup-free. And the intention behind ditching the makeup has always been that I don't think it's good for my skin anyway, and I hate developing dependencies - such as expecting my made-up face every time I saw my reflection. I am blessed with decent skin, but I have had bouts of ruining it, over nerves and such. The skin must breathe, I believe, and makeup doesn't let it do that.

Makeup is now reserved as part of my psyching-up routine for special occasions and meetings. A little blush, lipstick, and eyeliner help me aesthetically reflect my inner liveliness to others. It's a shame men don't have something like that, but manly men don't want to look lively anyway, do they?

28 Days of Inspiration

2009-02-02T22:09:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I began a special experiment in my life, called 28 Days of Inspiration. For ease of counting, I'm seeing how my life changes when I look for something inspiring each day during the month of February. How my life will change, I have no idea. I am not even purposely looking to change (or not change) anything.

As usual, I just want to see what happens.

Yesterday, I was just getting over a cold and I had been cooped up at home for four days before. The Cardinals and Steelers played in the Super Bowl XLIII yesterday. So where did I find inspiration yesaterday? Well, these two items really kind of distracted me. But I was looking too deeply into it and wanting too much for Day 1. You know how you'd like a new project to start off with a bang and be so definitive that you didn't really need the other 27 days? Well, that's where I found myself by the end of the evening, asking myself, "Have I done nothing that was inspiring today? Did I encounter the Big Moment and totally miss it?"

Well, I was trying too hard. Nothing typical.

Inspiration arrives in moments of simplicity and relaxation. I was blessed to be healing at home, unpressured. It was the best I had felt since having first gotten sick, and sure, it was just a cold. But I had clearly taken my basic health for granted. After a month of eating whatever I wanted (mostly sugar) and neglecting even a daily morning walk (Alright, it's been more than a month), my body finally called me on it, and asked me to be more aware. I hadn't been blessing it any longer; I was barely living aware of it.

So my inspiration for Day 1 was my cold - my sickness, my dis-ease. It has established a good time to hit the reset button. Wanting to heal up by holistic means, I have cut out most sugary foods. The cookies are gone. I am still eating, but more soup, vegetables, and chicken.

It's true: There is no try.

Monthly Tip: More time for fun!

2008-11-05T08:00:00.000-08:00

I often hear from clients that they don't know what they really like to do or what they are really passionate about.

Well, current circumstances have afforded us more time at home (instead of shopping or going out and spending money), and below, I've listed some fun, low-risk and economical ways to begin your search for your passion.

TRY IT OUT: "More time for more fun!"

1. Get outside and away from the financial news on TV and the internet.
Taking a walk is great for the body and the mind, but if that's too boring for you, bring your digital camera and snap random pictures. The bad attempts are easily erased, and the good ones are easily shared with friends! (Share them with the PFW Newsletter at newsletter@janiceplado.com, and we'll post them on the website to inspire others!)

2. Examine your in-house collections.
Don't just look at the types of items you have, but their common categories. For instance, I glanced at my bookshelf to find old guidebooks, travel magazines, and maps. Hmm. What do you think I enjoy? Travel was something that got de-prioritized in recent years, but looking at the bookshelf, I got excited about travel again, so I'll be doing some research for a trip - so I know exactly how much I'll want to put away for it. If you've collected books or magazines that you haven't gotten to, pay special attention to these. If it was a topic you found "secretly" interesting before, you may have already uncovered your hobby!

3. Give away your stuff.
For those things you have and genuinely don't care about any longer, don't just throw them out - give them away! Whether it's at a yard sale or used bookstore (for extra cash), to Goodwill (for a tax break), to a friend (who might look better in clothes you have), or to the local library, giving feels great because there's less waste!

4. Still got extra time? Donate it!
Keep time in mind, especially if you won't be able to contribute as much money to your favorite charities. Time is a valuable donation too, and charities and non-profits are always happy to have more volunteers. If you find a volunteer opportunity that uses or uncovers your special gift or talent, you'll be doing some self-development at the same time!

If you're in the local Phoenix area next weekend and are looking for a cause, you're welcome to join my husband, myself, and our walking team "Walk with Rolls," at Making Strides Against Breast Cancer for the American Cancer Society on November 8th at Tempe Town Lake.

These are just some ideas to get you started. Respond to this article to share how you're spending your newly found free time!

Start with the Good Stuff

2008-10-01T09:06:00.000-07:00

Although I have been off coffee for over a month now, I had a sip of a mocha from Caribou Coffee today, and I admit that it was heavenly.

After savoring my sip, I swore that I would never have another mocha from "that other coffee franchise," because as in life, you can't just keep adding sugar and milk to a situation to make it better, when you know the problem with the bad coffee begins with the beans. (I hear that their beans are intentionally burned, and it tastes like it too.)

Basically, good things are built from a good foundation. If we believe that the basic premise, intention, or objective of a project is flawed or comes from a place that is below who we are we will not trust the project's outcomes either. Early on as a project manager, I discovered a strong correllation between lousy results or stalled projects and the extent to which all the members of the project team were "vested" or genuinely interested in a good project outcome. Perhaps you've discovered this yourself. This was how I became just as interested in getting people "on the same page" as I was in getting all the tasks and timelines in place.

When we believe we come from "good stuff," then we are capable of producing or creating good stuff. But when we don't believe that we have much value, then what we create isn't going to have much value either.

This is why stories of people who have risen up from adverse childhoods are so inspiring - amazing people with disabilities, or people who grew up in modest households and have made it big, or people who immigrated to the U.S. with littel and now prosper with lives they couldn't have realized if they hadn't left their home country. These stories remind us that rising up out of any situation, big or small, starts with believing in our own "good stuff."

Each of us has what we need to create a blessed life already! Simply told, the only difference between good outcomes and bad outcomes is the mindset they were created from.

Lessons from Marvin Gaye

2008-08-06T00:08:00.000-07:00

"Got to Give It Up" by Marvin Gaye is one of my favorite songs (Listen to it!), because it is so fun and danceable. The party sounds, that clever melody, and the catchy percussion (Don't get me started on that cow bell!) all make it a really joyous tune. And of course, it's on my playlist!

But did you know that it's a song of transformation as well?

For the first time, I caught the opening lines of this song, and found myself loving it more than ever before:

“I used to go out to parties and stand in line
Cuz I was too nervous to really get down
But my body yearned to be free.”

When he sings it, he really sounds like his body is yearning to be free. His voice adds so much dimension to the words themselves. And this is the real magic of music and song.

Music is transformational. Back in the day, I used to have a "mix tape" of music for break-ups. In a way, it helped me grieve the end of a relationship. It's all still great music, but now I have a playlist in my mp3 player that contains songs that drive me, make me smile, dance, or sing along, and engage my heart.

Today, as you go about your day, listen to the music around you and take note of the songs that move you. Honor the energy that that music gives you - by singing or dancing along!

(And if you're the shy-type, it's okay to hum it to yourself too!)